Conflict and Love II

God has changed my view of conflict. Instead of seeing it as negative in each and every circumstance, I now realize it is often required in order to help another person. It becomes the vehicle through which love can be expressed.  Part of my problem in accepting this truth is that other expressions of conflict are available. Two of them are negative. I think of them as the sniper and the tank.

The sniper enters into conflict when you are unaware. The sniper is and remains anonymous. There is no communication or relationship, just a long-distance shot that you may never hear or see. Gossip is one example of how this can be expressed. I have another opportunity to be a sniper but never take it.

We do anonymous peer evaluations from time to time. It presents the opportunity to be a sniper and have a guaranteed escape route. It does not take much love or courage to hurt someone through an anonymous evaluation, so I have promised my team and colleagues two things regarding these evaluations.

First, if I ever write something that is in the least bit negative, they will have already heard it from me in person. Second, knowing that these anonymous evaluations could never be intended to bring discouragement, I will use them to the fullest possible measure to bring encouragement.

The tank differs in that you are certainly aware of the conflict! In fact, you are shocked by the abruptness and power of the explosion that blows you off your feet. Otherwise normal people can suddenly lose their temper and jump down your throat. It hardly qualifies as “speaking the truth in love,” though it is not an avoidance of conflict. The only thing accomplished is damage to another person.

Neither the tanks nor the snipers are godly or helpful. The methods are easier and take less work, thought and prayer. They are simply escape routes that avoid relationship and real communication. There is a better way to enter into conflict.

The positive example is that of a friend who is closer than a brother. This is someone who really cares for you and is willing to ask hard questions or say truthful but less than flattering things in order to help you become a better person. I am blessed to have many such friends in my life. I could share many examples but one will do for now.

Randy is the man I send monthly reports to and who has the joy of reviewing my evaluations with me. The positive side of the anonymous evaluations is that a godly and loving leader can make them a positive in your life. Randy did just that last year. He was able to sift through the flattery and the snipers, selecting areas for encouragement and areas for challenge. He accomplished both, encouragement and challenge, and I am better for it.

Tomorrow, I want to write once more on the theme of conflict. This time on how passivity can be confused for gentleness and godliness.